those clouds.

Did anyone else see the sky that I saw tonite?
We were on the last leg of our trip home from vacation; sailing down 71 south en route to state route 73 (aka the road to heaven). And the sky, oh the sky, and those clouds. The clouds looked like they were from a painting, but they were right there in front of me, some almost in my reach it seemed. I pushed my face up as close to the window as possible so I could see more sky and more clouds. My eye was caught by flickering colors on the edges of one larger cloud. As the cloud moved and the car moved, I realized the colors were the refracted light from the Sun that was creeping through that hole in the cloud. I couldn't take my eyes away from the light as the Sun made its way more clearly into the opening of the cloud. Though its brightness strained my eyes, I couldn't turn away. At one point, I actually saw the circle of the Sun, its rays, light, and brightness shielded by thin layers of cloud.
And then I realized this is how the prophets and many others describe encountering the Lord. He is a burst of light, so bright and strong that you must strain your eyes and not look directly at Him. But you can't take your eyes off Him once you've seen Him. Staring up through the clouds into the streaming sunlight, I felt that the Lord was saying to me, "I forgive you; I wish you would never choose anything over me or time with me, but I forgive you. And here I am now, shining for you, SO LOOK AT ME. Those clouds might seem nice, but I am the real beauty here, I am what you should really be searching the skies for." And I pray that I would search, both wide and deep.


sidebar: We stayed near UVA on the drive down, and walked around the campus and ate dinner there, and let me just tell you... it's beautiful. And I saw two rainbows while standing in the middle of their campus.

from my moleskin. handwritten.

Oh God, Why do I wander from You? From Your Unfailing and Undeserved Love? I go searching for other things, but I know in the deepest part of me that You are all that is Good, and beyond that, You are Best. Reign over me and reign in me, Lord. God, I desire for your Word and your Love to be engraved on my heart, just like my name is engraved on your hand. I want to be faithful and glorifying to You. Please, Lord, help me be these things. God, I want you to have my heart. I want it to be so wrapped up in You. Teach me, Lord, and I pray that I am teachable and moldable. Release me from my old ways and guide me along the path of righteousness.

God is teaching me:
that no part of me is good but Him in me.
that He is the Redeemer and the only one who can save me.
the difference between doing something or acting like something, and being something.

I want to be and not act. To be faithful and not act faithful.