Words

"I Wish in the City of Your Heart" by Robley Wilson

2010-03-08T19:56:00.000-08:00

I wish in the city of your heart
you would let me be the street
where you walk when you are most
yourself. I imagine the houses.
It has been raining, but the rain
is done and the children kept home
have begun opening their doors.

thank you to abigail thomas for sharing these verses with me.

"I'm in too truthful a mood"

2010-01-25T14:03:00.000-08:00

Since April 2009, I've had about 7 close friends and family members become engaged. I'm talking best friends. And it wasn't that hard to hear until the last few.. (Please don't doubt my genuine excitement about each engagement.)
But it's hard not to compare my life to the lives of my friends. It's hard not to question the sovereign hand of God and his will for my life.
Last night, my roommate Paige and I were talking across the room, each of us sitting on our beds, ready for sleep but not at rest. I told her that I do believe I gain a greater intimacy with the Lord by being single. But lately it's been hard to believe that singlehood is what God desires for me. I think about Eve and how she was created to be Adam's companion, to complement him.
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Genesis 2:18
It is so clear to me that God built us desiring relationships because he wanted to be in relationship with us.
But this also makes it difficult for me to know if it's just my sinful heart that desires what my friends have, or if it is the true, God-fearing and freed heart of mine that desires companionship and a relationship reflexive of Christ and his church. Or, I'm just scared of losing all my friends to their future husbands. (I know that last statement is not true in its entirety, but I have seen it to be true to some degree, and I accept that. But it does not make it easier.)

Jeans and Greece

2010-01-22T15:21:00.000-08:00

I bought these jeans in Athens, Greece. I think they were about 10 euro. I bought them mostly out of desperation because the clasp on my skirt was doing something crazy. I do not recommend wearing jeans in Greece in July.
Anyway. Whenever I wear them, I remember being in Greece and something in my spirit is stirred and I feel like I need to get in the car, on a plane or a boat and just go. Preferably to Montana.

God is not the means, He is the end.

2010-01-21T12:03:00.000-08:00

Obedience to God does not bring us salvation; we are saved, and we desire to be obedient to the Lord.
We do not love God and then He saves us; He loves us, He saves us. Love must follow.
Joyful obedience happens when we love God more than we love ourselves, when we desire His will more than our own, when we desire His glory more than our own glory.
God is not the means to something; He IS the something. And He is not trying to make us work our way to Him, because we will never be able to do that. Forever, we have been failing at working our way to God. Forever, He has been tapping us on the shoulder saying, "I am here NOW. Stop trying to get to me. I'm here."

And we find freedom in obedience, in living life as He made it, walking with Him.

Things I laughed at today:

2010-01-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

The following dialogue from Dave Eggers' You Shall Know Our Velocity! (note: they are in Senegal):

"What are you wearing?"
"What?"
He was wearing a shirt declaring I AM PROUD OF MY BLACK HERITAGE. On a blond man with swishy pants it looked all wrong.

So I may have laughed out loud while reading in Luck Bros. Yes, Alison, I still do this :)

My laundry, as it is largely comprised of white vees, socks, and various Starbucks attire. Laughter seemed like my best option.

success in roasting!

2010-01-09T08:26:00.001-08:00

This morning I was feeling a bit adventurous and decided to try my hand at roasting some tomatoes. And let me tell you that I feel quite good about the outcome. Now, roasting grape tomatoes in your oven is relatively fool-proof, but I still feel that I accomplished something. And, they are going to be mighty tasty in the pasta I plan on taking to work.

haiku

2010-01-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

In honor of reading The Elegance of the Hedgehog (thank you, Alison and Kristen) I decided to write some haikus at work.
We have this insanely mundane task of filling out a "Values Walk" three time a day. Essentially, it's a checklist of the following things:
is the cafe clean enough that people feel welcome and actually want to stay?
are partners engaging with customers? ie Hi! Thanks! Have a great day!
can customers see the employees working together? ie are they biting each others' heads off?
So, in light of the Hedgehog and choosing to take my time on a task that is simply busy work, I wrote all my observations as haikus. I will leave you with my closing line:
All are efficient.

ps, is the plural of haiku haikus or haiku? please correct me.

heaven

2009-12-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

this scene always makes me think of heaven.

return.

2009-08-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

I have not been faithful or good at pursuing relationships this summer. I don't know a lot about a lot of my friends' hearts and lives. But, the Lord asked me to pursue Him first and hard and I have tried to do that, at the risk of putting other relationships on hold. And I think He's bringing me home.

More to follow.

some small joys.

2009-04-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

1. i saw an old man at the grocery store wearing sweats and uggs. if only they had said 'pink' across his butt... i may have mistaken him for a college girl.
2. also at the grocery: i love seeing old people in the candy aisle. so many choices.
3. community group and an hour long episode of the office.
4. i can't wait to see this movie: Where the Wild Things Are.
i seriously hope it's as good as it looks.
5. tangea tonight with new co-leaders!!

words in my journal..

2009-01-28T09:09:00.000-08:00

sometimes i find myself asking the LORD to just take me now--in times of desperation or anxiety or just being overwhelmed by grace and love. but then i stop myself and wonder if i'm crazy for asking that, and i remind myself that there are still people who don't know Christ. but what could be better than being home with the Father?? being rid of my lowly earthly body and be made whole before the throne?

i know that i have nothing of myself to give people; i know that it would be better for me to offer nothing than to offer of myself. and so i pray that God would write his Gospel on my heart, that my life would be transformed by his Truth, and that he will carry out the work he has begun in me.

in 1 corinthians 1 paul is writing to "those sanctified in Christ Jesus and called to be holy."
v. 4-9: I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. FOR IN HIM YOU HAVE BEEN ENRICHED IN EVERY WAY--IN ALL YOUR SPEAKING AND IN ALL YOUR KNOWLEDGE--because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you. THEREFORE YOU DO NOT LACK ANY SPIRITUAL GIFT AS YOU EAGERLY WAIT FOR OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST TO BE REVEALED. HE WILL KEEP YOU strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. GOD, WHO HAS CALLED YOU INTO FELLOWSHIP with his son Jesus Christ our Lord, IS FAITHFUL.
LORD, I want more of you. I pray that would continue to refine my heart.

paige bailey's house night

2008-10-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight during our House Night, I learned...
I am distinctly beautiful because:
1. I am the beloved of a King.
2. I can be vulnerable. By this I mean: I am not one who is prone to sharing things about my life, but when the Lord presses on my heart to speak of what He is whispering to me, I obey. And I only hope that someone needs to hear what the Lord makes me speak.
3. I am easily overwhelmed by the power of emotion. I don't mean strictly my own emotions. I can celebrate with the joy of others, embrace their sorrow, share in their exhaustion.
4. I cry when I laugh hard enough.
5. I long for Heaven.
And I can say that these things make me beautiful because I know the only good thing in me is God in me, and I know that He makes me beautiful.
I am the beloved of a King, and perfect love casts out fear. I am sure that God is good and that I am God's. I long to always believe with certainty that I can do nothing to gain more of His love and nothing to lose any of His love.

my Sunday

2008-10-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

Hoping not to miss fall.
Followed by baking brownies at Leigh's new house and a glorious time spent worshiping the Lord at Veritas Church. It was a good day.

heart matters

2008-10-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

But I am the LORD your God from the land of Egypt; you know no God but me, and besides me there is no Saviour...It was I who knew you in the wilderness, in the land of drought. Hosea 13:4,5
So you, by the help of your God, return, hold fast to love and justice, and wait continually for your God. Hosea 12:6

AND WAIT CONTINUALLY FOR YOUR GOD.
I pray that I would know no God but You.

those clouds.

2008-06-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

Did anyone else see the sky that I saw tonite?
We were on the last leg of our trip home from vacation; sailing down 71 south en route to state route 73 (aka the road to heaven). And the sky, oh the sky, and those clouds. The clouds looked like they were from a painting, but they were right there in front of me, some almost in my reach it seemed. I pushed my face up as close to the window as possible so I could see more sky and more clouds. My eye was caught by flickering colors on the edges of one larger cloud. As the cloud moved and the car moved, I realized the colors were the refracted light from the Sun that was creeping through that hole in the cloud. I couldn't take my eyes away from the light as the Sun made its way more clearly into the opening of the cloud. Though its brightness strained my eyes, I couldn't turn away. At one point, I actually saw the circle of the Sun, its rays, light, and brightness shielded by thin layers of cloud.
And then I realized this is how the prophets and many others describe encountering the Lord. He is a burst of light, so bright and strong that you must strain your eyes and not look directly at Him. But you can't take your eyes off Him once you've seen Him. Staring up through the clouds into the streaming sunlight, I felt that the Lord was saying to me, "I forgive you; I wish you would never choose anything over me or time with me, but I forgive you. And here I am now, shining for you, SO LOOK AT ME. Those clouds might seem nice, but I am the real beauty here, I am what you should really be searching the skies for." And I pray that I would search, both wide and deep.

sidebar: We stayed near UVA on the drive down, and walked around the campus and ate dinner there, and let me just tell you... it's beautiful. And I saw two rainbows while standing in the middle of their campus.

from my moleskin. handwritten.

2008-06-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

Oh God, Why do I wander from You? From Your Unfailing and Undeserved Love? I go searching for other things, but I know in the deepest part of me that You are all that is Good, and beyond that, You are Best. Reign over me and reign in me, Lord. God, I desire for your Word and your Love to be engraved on my heart, just like my name is engraved on your hand. I want to be faithful and glorifying to You. Please, Lord, help me be these things. God, I want you to have my heart. I want it to be so wrapped up in You. Teach me, Lord, and I pray that I am teachable and moldable. Release me from my old ways and guide me along the path of righteousness.

God is teaching me:
that no part of me is good but Him in me.
that He is the Redeemer and the only one who can save me.
the difference between doing something or acting like something, and being something.

I want to be and not act. To be faithful and not act faithful.

let's go...

2008-04-30T13:36:00.001-07:00

to slab city.
and salvation mountain.

in the movie Into the Wild, they go to Slab City, CA. Also the home of Salvation Mountain. And I want to go. And I want to meet this man:

don't you want to meet him?
God, why do you give me desires to go places when gas is $3.65/gal?

punch brothers

2008-02-19T17:17:00.001-08:00

check out Chris Thile's (formerly of Nickel Creek) new band, Punch Brothers.

They are coming to Columbus March 7. If you're game, I'm game.

my life in couches

2008-01-25T09:22:00.000-08:00

My English class this quarter is called "Environmental Autobiography: The Nonfiction of Place." So I've been thinking about my life through the lens of place lately... trying to break it down into specifics and not just Columbus, Springboro, Atlanta. I also just finished Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love which essentially is a work of nonfiction of place. And Gilbert's documented journey from Italy to India to Indonesia quickly worked its way up on my list of recommended books. So, in thinking about my life through place, my mind jumped to... couches. (Can couches be a place? Well, they are now.) When I think about how much time I've spent sitting, lounging, snuggling, napping, jumping and occasionally spooning on couches, it adds up! And I think, if I can name and recall specific couches from different places and periods in my life, then a couch must be identifiable as a place.

To begin with: Those big, comfy, fall-into-them jean couches which always find their homes at Young Life camps. My first experience with them being at Rockbridge. Granted, they are rather old and you might have to give the cushions a good coupla punches, those worn jean couches feel like home. They swallow you up the way your friend or grandfather hugs you when reuniting after a long time apart. Soft, warm, home.

Next: The couch in the lobby of Deer Creek. I think I spent most of my weekend there last year. Catching up with my friends, sharing what God was doing in our lives, laughing too much for the people around us, taking too many pictures. Being reunited with these friends who helped shape who I am. That couch became a part of our weekend as we uncovered truths together, sought to know our Maker, and shared triumphs and defeats.

Starbucks. Big leather couch or old purple velvet armchair--take your pick. Countless hours have I spent in the welcoming couches of Starbucks. Sure, occasionally I have probably taken too much liberty in feeling comfortable and at home in them, slipping off my shoes and snuggling in...but then again, isn't that what they are there for? I can't even begin to consider all the conversations I've had with people in those couches and armchairs at Starbucks. But I can recall piling too many girls onto a couch, falling into that velvet armchair with my arms up in defeat, and jumping out of the same armchair at the sight of a much missed friend.

This is the couch at a house in Deep Creek Lake, Maryland where I recently spent a weekend with my roommates. Very quickly, we transformed that living room into our own by relaxing, lounging, and playing in the couches. I don't know what it is about girls, but for some reason we really do love to just pile onto a couch, regardless of where we are. The house became our home for the weekend and that couch our couch as we learned more about each other.

I've read so many books, watched countless movies, had endless conversations and done innumerable other things in couches across the country. But more than these tangible things, I've built relationships, witnessed lives changing, and encountered my Savior from the comfort of these listed places. It seems trite, but I truly have grown and lived in and from these couches. I've buried my face and cried in them, laughed uncontrollably in them, battled through some of the hardest conversations in them, collapsed into them praying for God to just meet me there. Consider the actual physical places where you've spent your life, I bet you'll be surprised to find some unexpected ones.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

2007-12-19T08:41:00.000-08:00

http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=92&item=0

disregard the "worst previews" ...it's one of the few links that worked and came out clear.

also, get excited!!

chicago and 21

2007-12-18T21:52:00.000-08:00

free hugs and "home for christmas"
they offer
he begs, hopes
sitting on newspaper
with soaked-through shoes
Ezekiel in Starbucks and gloves on feet
in the midst of dry bones
"home for christmas" and happy birthdays
snow and snow and snow
am i really any different?
only a child of the Creator,
and that is enough.

love and love
and home for christmas.

books.

2007-10-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

this is my bookshelf:

I haven't read all the books in it yet. I think this is okay? but some, I've read into the double digits.

Anne of Green Gables reminds me of Jenna, Julie, and Abby. I found it in the children's section at Half Price Books. It even has pictures in it. And I love it.

The Dharma Bums is my link to Shannon, my fellow barista/Starbucks extraordinaire.

So what if there's a copy of the Oxford Dictionary of Literary Terms?

And two full copies of the entire Chronicles of Narnia?

some of them are children's books, some are theology, classics, or maybe just favorites. But I think I figured out what I want to do... I want to have my own bookstore with a cafe, and I want kids to come in and sit for hours reading, beginning to appreciate literature, expanding their knowledge, riding across America with Kerouac, discovering Narnia with Lucy. Journeying from Savannah to London to Africa to Seattle, and maybe even out of this world. I want it to be like a library, where they can grab a book off the shelf, read a bit, and put it back when they're finished. They don't have to buy any books, but maybe once they've read a certain one a few times, they'll decide it's time. Time to have a fresh one to be personalized; to be worn, underlined, and distinct. To fill someone else's shelf.

spurgeon just rocked my world.

2007-09-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

wow. you need to go buy CH Spurgeon's Morning and Evening. Here is today's Morning (it's long but I just had to copy the whole thing):

The LORD is a jealous...God. Nahum 1:2
Your Lord is very jealous of your love, O believer. Did He choose you? He can't bear that you should choose another. Did He buy you with His own blood? He can't endure that you should think that you are your own, or that you belong to this world. He loved you with such a love that He would not stop in heaven without you; He would sooner die than have you perish, and He can't endure that anything should stand between your heart's love and Himself. He is very jealous of your trust. He will not permit you to trust in an arm of flesh. He can't bear that you should hew out broken cisterns, when the overflowing fountain is always freely available to you. When we lean upon Him, He is glad, but when we transfer our dependence to another, when we rely upon our own wisdom, or the wisdom of a friend--worst of all, when we trust in any works of our own, He is displeased, and will chasten us that He may bring us to Himself. He is also very jealous of our company. There should be no one with whom we converse so much as with Jesus. To abide in Him only, this is true love; but to commune with the world, to find sufficient solace in our carnal comforts, to prefer even the society of our fellow Christians to secret communication with Him, this is grievous to our jealous Lord. He would preferably have us abide in Him, and enjoy constant fellowship with Himself; and many of the trials which He sends us are for the purpose of weaning our hearts from the creature, and fixing them more closely upon Himself. Let this jealousy which would keep us near to Christ be also a comfort to us, for if He loves us so much as to care this much about our love, we may be sure that He won't allow anything to harm us, and will protect us from all our enemies. Oh that we may have grace this day to keep our hearts in sacred chastity for our Beloved alone, with sacred jealousy shutting our eyes to all the fascinations of the world!

true confession

2007-09-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

you know when you're having a bad day, or even just an off day? and people say things to you like, "You know, it's okay to smile." Well, things like that just make me more upset or pised, or wanting to punch that person in the face. Sorry, a little extreme, I know... but when it's some random person who comes into Starbucks and I am making his $4 latte and for those 3 minutes I am not smiling (because making a latte is really not that exciting) and he tells me it's okay if I smile, I kind of just want to throw the latte in his face.
don't judge me please..

The other day I found out that my parents had our dog put down, and didn't actually take him to a farm like they had told us. I haven't had a dog since 3rd grade, and I just found out about this 4 days ago. Maybe you're thinking, "Well, the whole 'going to the farm' scenario has been used countless times and you should have caught on" but I was 9 years old people! And now I am 20. While it is kind of hilarious that I'm just now finding out, it's also pretty sad... and this is what I wanted to scream at the guy who told me to smile at Starbucks.

just thoughts

2007-08-23T19:34:00.001-07:00

i wish that we didn't have to take GECs (or GenEds) in college. i like learning. call me a nerd or whatever, but it's true. i loved when the scholastic book thingie came in elementary school and you could order books. i remember one time i ordered the little house on the prairie set, and when it came other kids made fun of me because they were big books. this was in the first grade, and apparently reading was NOT cool in the slightest bit. but, like i said, i am and have been somewhat of a nerd. so back to GECs. i thought i went to college to learn? to take classes in literature, folklore, art, the history that i haven't yet learned, theology, archaeology.. but instead i have to take useless classes that are only a repeat of what i did for four years in high school. is the only reason to go to college now just to get a job? what about actually learning? why can't i take all the classes i'm interested in? the thing that kills me the most is that if i wanted to take more classes (that is after i'm through with all the ones i need to graduate) i'd have to be in school longer than necessary, and pay more money to do it.

so this turned into a bit of a rant. oops. all i'm saying is, i love college, but i wish that the general classes i took in high school counted towards something other than a transcript.. and that i didn't have to repeat them in college. just let me learn!

2007-08-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

things that bring me joy...

the smell of gasoline from boats.. and all the memories that come with that smell.

the Outpost

hello, blogspot.

2007-08-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

so, i have decided to start one of these blogspot things. apparently xanga is no longer the right thing to use.. it's so hard to keep up.
preface: i don't really know what this is going to be like, other than just things I'm thinking, reading, seeing.

lately i have been having a lot of those "out of your body" moments. the kind where you feel like you're outside of yourself, watching from above or something. the kind where you know that this moment is being seared into your memory forever. and i've been remembering a lot of those moments as well. i've heard that smell is the sense most associated with memory, and i completely agree. but i also know the other senses play a pivotal part in memory. for example:

the nites that my parents would go out when i was young--i will never forget the sound of my mom's heels on the linoleum kitchen floor. or smelling in her Chanel No. 5 as I would sit on my mom's bed and watch her put on her jewelry. or the way she would just touch her cheek to mine so that she wouldn't smear her lipstick.

standing in the Aegean Sea and watching the Sun come up, feeling the smooth, algae-covered rocks under my feet and how cold the water was. or the musty smell of the Sistine Chapel.

standing inside the Outpost at Saranac, watching people walk by outside, smiling and laughing. but not hearing them because the windows were shut.

the warmth of someone's hand on my shoulder and the sound of sniffling noses as we huddled around Karl and prayed for him, as one body united under the Name of Christ.

the way concrete smells when it rains on a hot day. and then running and dancing around the ark in the rain with katie.

the way my hands smell like bleach and my hair reeks of french fries after leaving the k.

how to me, pipe tobacco and worn cardigan sweaters means my granddad.

how all i could think when i watched meg being baptized was "new creation, new creation"